Overview

My Aunt had a birthday this past weekend. All sorts of relatives were in from out of town. The condition I was in over the weekend prohibited me from attending any family functions. This was a good thing. I don't really like my family. I grew up being the black sheep. My family loves football, something I don't much care for. I don't speak Spanish well. And they always have a problem with the way I dressed or styled my hair or anything that didn't meet their standards. I was always the bearer of their spiteful comments. This is not done by all family members, but still, why didn't anyone defend me? I remember asking my mom when I was a little why my family didn't like me, her response was that it was all in my head.

Part of living with my increasing panic attacks is knowing my limitations. This, I just learned. My eternal judge, me, felt like if something gave me anxiety it was best to confront it and not be weak. This only increased my misery. Now I realize, that I'm in a phase right now. My coping skills are non-existent due to my past. I'm determined not to let whatever is happening to me control the rest of my life. I'm taking steps to fix me but it won't be overnight, and for now, I have to listen to myself and determine what I can do and what I cannot do.

I got an A for my Pet Shop Boys Indesign magazine. The professor even wrote a note saying it was superior work. I guess its because the assignment called for six pages; I did 18. It's funny how I don't believe I'm deserving of that grade in spite of the countless hours I put in it. Now I have the final project to worry about. I have to develop a website using Indesign and Flash. On top of that, I have tons of reading to do for my other classes. Furthermore, final exams are not far away. These next two weeks are gonna be brutal.

Doc Visit

I went to the doctor this morning. My anxiety pills got bumped up by 50mg. I'm not too sure what 50mg is supposed to do. Let's hope it works.

I Don't Know What you Want but I can't Give it Anymore

I've gotten a couple of posts on my deviant art page about my InDesign project of the Pet Shop Boys. There's a page in there where the boys look gothic but with spikey yellowish/orange hair and amazing suits. The magazine looks better as an SWF but I don't know how to post such things on the internet. As soon as I figure it out I'll be posting it on here. But I wanted to show the video of the page I was referring to cuz it's my favorite look by them.

PSB's New Album

I just got in 'Yes' the other day. I've read in reviews that this album is a wonderful return to form by the Pet Shop Boys. Having listened to it...that's all lies! Holy mother. There's no usual form here. It's an entirely different album. Its more electronic. It has an extravagant pop feel to it but with the always intelligent lyrics that only PSB can come up with. It's revolutionary for PSB in that all the songs have radically different beats in them. It's like each song is 3 tracks in one. Just when you think you have the song figured out (and you usually can with their previous albums), it suddenly takes you through a loop. PSB had never "lost it" in terms of their music but this album reifies how they can completely transform themselves while still maintaining the integrity of PSB. The song 'Pandemonium' is easily one of their best in their 25+ history. I give it FIVE stars!

A N X I E T Y

Why am I doing this?

I'm not the kind of person to brag or go on and on about myself. I'm usually quite reserved. However, some bad things have started to happen. The big one is that I'm getting severe anxiety attacks. It affects me on a daily basis. I need to fix myself somehow. One possible solution is to be open. I suppress a lot. This is an experiment to be uninhibited. I don't do this because I think people are actually interested...its more for me.