Weekly Roundup

My anxiety levels are through the roof! In addition to setting up appointments with my therapist, I've made one with a full blown psychiatrist to officially diagnose me with whatever I have.

I put myself on a spending freeze and broke it within the same day. I have tried again with better results.

Been busy with being my mom's taxi. Her car is a wreck. I don't really mind driving her around because she's done so much for me already, it's the least I can do.

My graphic design class is unmotivating. There's a lot of drawing in that class which I don't much care for. I have accepted the fact that I will probably not get an A in that class.

Turned in my first assignment as a photographer. This was the part in the week where my anxiety got the better of me. I was thinking that I just wasn't good enough. I was thinking that the employees and customers at the Fireworks stands were gonna shun me. Although there were no customers, the employees were pretty nice. When I turned in my photos to my photo editor, he seemed pleased.

I have another assigment. I have to take photos of a play tonight. I'm pretty nervous. I want to throw up.

Mom in a Car Accident

My mom was in a car accident the other day. I was in a meeting when my mom called. She made it sound like a fender bender but when I got there, it was much more serious than that. The car had crashed into her so hard from behind that she hit the car in front of her and that car hit the car in front of it. They were all stopped at a red light. The driver made things much more difficult by not cooperating with the police. He demanded to see a lawyer. The cops had no choice but to arrest him and take him away. My mom refused medical attention but I had to convince her to go to the ER because the impact had forced my moms head to shatter the window behind her in her truck. It turns out that the driver was drunk and on drugs at 12:30 in afternoon when he caused the accident.

I've been busy taking care of the insurance claims, doctor visits, and lawyer consultations. And on top off everything else, I still have two big projects to complete by the end of the weekend. I'm not sure if its all going to work out but I'm gonna remain optomistic. At least my mom is alive.

Weekly Roundup

I'm struggling in my graphic design class. The class involves much more drawing than I'm used to. I explained to the professor that I wasn't used to working with primitive tools. As a result, the entire class now has to keep a sketch book and draw in it everyday. This is just another example of me not knowing how to keep my mouth shut when necessary.

I'm excited about my photography job. My first assignment will be taking photos of people buying fireworks outside the city limits. We're running a story on how the city is cracking down on firework sales.

I'm going to AA meetings on a regular basis now. Before it would be a whenever I felt like it basis. Now I wake up at the butt crack of dawn and go to meetings on the days I don't have school. I enjoy going early cuz there's less people and a lot easier on my nerves. I make sure to talk everytime so that I can be less anxious with speaking in front of people.

My heart goes out to the protesters in Iran. I'm in awe of people who fight for what they believe in. There is no greater honor than to live according to your own spirit rather than to live in accordance to the masses.

New JOB

My photography professor sent out an email to his former students informing us about an open photographer position at the school newspaper. I hesitantly submitted my application along with some sample work. I had the interview today and was hired on the spot.

I get nervous when an opportunity presents itself to me like that. I keep thinking, "What about if they figure out that I'm a total fraud?" But then theres a small part of me that says I deserve it. Fraud or not, I'm gonna do my best. Its strange how not so long ago I went from unemployed to a paid internship to an offical photographer. Wait a minute...what's this? Its an odd sensation. I think I'm happy. How the hell did that happen?

Weekly Roundup

I got a new pair of glasses. They were quite expensive. I went from one side of town to another looking for the perfect fit. My head doesn't support glasses well so I have to get them just right and the cheaper ones were much unflattering on me. These new glasses are the first pair ever that I'm really happy with. I feel the need to reinvent myself somehow and the glasses are a good way to start I suppose.

I had a full blown panic attack this past Saturday. I hope to do a video blog this week detailing the account.

Ugh. I bought new clothes. Express sent me a $30.00 off coupon and I couldn't resist. Those tricky bastards made it so that I would need to spend $75 but nothing in that store amounts to exaclty that amount. I was like fifty cents off which meant I had to buy an entirely new item resulting in me buying another item for 50% off. I went way over my budget and it felt good. I don't know what it is that I can't stop spending lately. I think it soothes my anxiety but if continue I'll go broke. I may be homeless but at least I got a nice shirt on.

I started my Graphic Design 2 class. It sucks! It has nothing to do with work on the computer. It's all manual labor. I had to do a project which involved construction paper, a xacto knife, rubber cement, and a pencil of all things. I am not used to working with primitive tools! That's right folks, I'm doing graphic design for cavemen. The professor was astounded with me when I asked how to cut a perfect square out of an illustration board. I suspect I won't be getting a good grade this semester.

Loving Letterman

I love David Letterman! I love his dry humor. I love how he doesn't kiss anyones ass, unlike all other late night talk show hosts. Letterman doesn't care about celebrity. When I was in high school my final project for my AP English class was the top 10 things that would get you kicked out of the Canterbury Pilgrimage (referencing Chaucer's Canterbury Tales). In freshman year, I wrote a paper on Letterman and how he's an American hero. I got a C but bitched enough that the professor raised it to a B.

Long Letterman and celebrity disputes include Madonna, McCain, Oprah, and now Sarah Palin. But Palin has taken it to a whole different level calling Letterman a child rapist. If anyone watched the show, he absolutely did nothing of the sort. In response Letterman clarified the jokes but still maintained that Palin looked liked an airline slut...hahaha. But leave it to Palin's tactless effort for publicity to resort to shameless name calling. Kinda like how I would be referred to as a liberal socialist attacking the rights of Joe Six Pack. Lame.

Weekly Roundup

The gardner from next door was using a weed whacker and shot a rock right at my window causing it to shatter as I was reversing. I know he saw but he pretendended not to notice. I had to stop, get out of the car, and tell him what he just finished doing. Knowing that my spanish wouldn't get me far in resolving the situation, I had to involve my mother so she could mediate the whole thing. The gardner guy had the nerve to try to make it my fault by saying that I had made it look like I was going on the other side of the street when I really wasn't. He agreed to pay for half of the cost. I know he is at fault with his negligence but I'm not gonna spend anymore time than I have to on the issue. I don't need my anxiety issues being amplyfied by this stupid incident.

My school loan came through. It should hold me over till I start the internship next month.

I had lunch with my former bosses (they're the ones who fired me because my drug use had gotten so out of hand back in 2007). My ex bosses are two partners who gave me a car, made sure I was well off financially, and paid for two outpatient rehabs. I did my Step 9 with them and sincerely apologized for all of the rotten things I had done to them. They accepted my apology and said it was all in the past. I was touched. When you hangout with junkies, hurtful boyfriends who use your addiction against you, and alcoholics for years straight, you forget that there's good honest people out there.

I bought a new Nikon lense!

I'm staying home a lot more. I know I'm isolating myself from the world but I need time to sort my billion thoughts that fire through my head at all times. I like to stay home and work on art. Art is the only thing that lets my mind zero in on a specific task and serves as an escape from daily life. I worked on some self portraits with my new lense and some futuristic shades I found at a dive store. I also worked on a revision on a mini book from a photo shoot I did in a school fashion show. They can be seen on both of my deviantART accounts.

Finished watching Rome Season 2; twas scandaliciously delightful.

I Can Feel it Coming Back Again

The anxiety is slowly creeping back. The other day my mind was so preoccupied that I locked myself out of the house. Stupid, I know. I had to take the bus to the library and hangout there till my mom was able to pick me up. Yesturday, at Wal-Mart, all the people there got me claustrophobic and I rushed out of there like a monkey at a Britney Spears concert. I'm getting myself in a panic about the internship next month. I'm thinking of ways of how to get out of it. I've been isolating myself more and more.

I heard a saying the other day that rang true to me, that which you avoid, controls you. Why am I so afraid? Is it all in my head? Is it the 10 years of drinking and drugging that damaged my neurotransmitters that I can function properly? Is it that I have no coping skills because of my self medication? I don't know. All I know is that I am my biggest judge. This needs to change. So here's a list to help me control that inner judge:

1. I will always say the wrong thing at the exact wrong time.
2. I will always be accident prone.
3. I will never be a dynamic public speaker or conversationalist.
4. I will never hold myself responsible for other people's opinions.

Happy B-Day Oldsporty!

Today is Oldsports birthday. To him and his posterity I wish him a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I now he's going through his own challenges but I know he will overcome all obstacles in his way.

Weekly Roundup

Applied for a photographer position for the school newspaper. Also applied for a media scholarship. I had to provide five example of my graphic design work. I gave them work I had posted on deviant art.

My friend who had discovered my deviant art account is still my friend. LOL...not that I had expected him not to. It feels good that my friends will always be my friends no matter how many ways I find to make an ass out of myself.

I went to a rather big AA meeting last Saturday and I was called upon to speak. My nerves jumped to full force. I couldn't find the courage to look at anyone as I spoke. I was shaking. I had to pause in the middle of my speech to calm myself down. My cracked voice could probably be heard from miles away. But hey, at least I spoke. The subject was about how alcoholics always rationalize their drinking by telling themeselves that they can quit drinking on thier own terms. I spoke about how I had suffered countless relapses because I refused to believe I couldn't do it alone and that the 12 steps were for weak minded people. It wasn't until I gave on those ideas that I was able to enter a life of sobriety.

I went to a gay church yesturday. A friend had invited me. I accepted the invite because I mostly like to stay at home where it's nice and safe and where I don't have to be social whatsoever. Not being social I know only increases my anxieties in the real world. I want to better myself, so I went, and boy was it difficult. I lack the social graces that most people have. My mind runs at 100 miles per second. So many thoughts run through my head at the same time, it's difficult for me to form a complete sentence. To make matters worse, a person who I find very unsavory was in attendance. And to make matters much more worse, there was a potluck at the end. So I had to double the time trying to be cordial and social. Although I know I wasn't as social as the people around me, I did my best.