This spoke to me today:

"I didn't succeed at my attempts to control emotions. Emotional control has been a survival behavior for me. I can thank that behavior for helping me get through many years and situations where I didn't have any better options. But I have learned a healthier behavior--accepting my feelings.

We are meant to feel. Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or change that. Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow of what we're feeling."

Quote by Melodie Beattie from The Language of Letting Go.
Photo by http://sondos.deviantart.com

Weekly Roundup

Yes, I missed last week's round up. Sorry. But I got a really good excuse. My internet has been acting up.

I don't know what's going on with me right now. There's days I want to sleep all day and I do. If I have school, I'll go and come back home to sleep. I get upset when I have a therapist appointment or a meeting for work cuz I know I have to work my sleep schedule around it and that just means less sleep for me.

I got food poisoning last Monday courtesy of McDonalds. That night I had a fever and had a strange pain in my legs. I didn't sleep at all. I've been struggling the whole week. I still don't feel well.

I have missed the gym every day this week. I usually work out in the mornings before school. However, with the food poisoning, that's the time I feel the worst and just haven't had the strenghth to go.

My therapist has been pushing me to see a specialist to diagnose me with whatever I have. So I finally went and have been diagnosed with social phobia. No big surprise there.

My medication has been changed. It is no longer doxepin. The side effects were horrible on me. The meds made me eat continuously and contributed to my low energy levels. I'm up to 172 lbs. It's the most I've ever weighed. I'm now on citolopram or somthin' like that. Now I can't sleep. That was the only good thing about doxepin, it made me sleep like a comatose person.

I'm still struggling with my graphic design class. I've been getting C's. I have one more project to go. I'm determined to make an A on this one. Just one problem, the project is to make a logo, and if there's one thing I hate the most in the graphic design world is logos. Wish me luck.

Weekly Roundup

My graphic design class is driving me up the wall. My professor has his obvious favorites. He'll always use them as examples of "good" students. This girl and I are his "bad" students. He'll make sure to go out of his way to put our work down during critiques. The last assignment I turned in was quality work. I know this because I did the assignment twice just to get it right and still he found faults with it.

I haven't heard from my friend who relapsed. I'm sure he's back out on the streets drinking and drugging. I'm upset. I shall write a seperate blog detailing my feelings on it.

I have been eating and sleeping uncontrollably. This is a side effect of my meds. I don't have the energy to do anything during the day. I barely have strenth to go to the gym in the mornings. As soon as I get out from school, I have to lay down or take a nap. When I'm home, all I eat is cereal. I used to have control over what I ate but now I eat anything in the house. I have an appointment to see new specialitsts soon. Hopefully they'll change my meds.

I'm doing well on my spending freeze. I've been tempted to buy a few more clothes but I resist.

My anxiety levels were low this week...probably because I spend all my time eating now. LOL.

Relapse of a Friend

A close friend of mine has relapsed. It's strange because he sobered up before I did. I thought he had a better grasp at sobriety than I did. When he first told me about his relapse, he made it sound like it was a one time deal. Come to find out, it was more of a one month deal. The severity of the relapse to that degree has me stunned. It's like he gave up. We were supposed to be in this together. Me and him used to party together all the time. In fact, when my addiction got at its worst, he was the only person I would allow in my apartment because I just didn't want to be near anyone feeling wired. He should have known, given our past, that it was a dreadful way of existing.

He's recently got out of a serious relationship. Since then, he's been hanging out with people I didn't agree with out at bars. I warned him. I wanted so badly for him to understand that he didn't need to fill the void with anything but with his own self. I wanted to do a Vulcan mind meld on him so I could show him how. It's just that he's such a social person, he needs to be out and about, something I admire about him. I knew that I couldn't tell him too much about what to do because he's been sober longer than I have. Now its like he's starting all over again. The odds of relapsing within the first three months of sobriety are astronomical. It feels like I've failed him somehow. His situation with drugs has always been life and death. It's a scary time for him.

I find it odd that my pain through anxiety prevents me from doing a lot of things including going out and carrying on with people BUT its the very thing that helps me stay away from bars and negativity. Hmmm...maybe things do happen for a reason. I just hope its for the better for my friend too.

photo by http://dopestars.deviantart.com/

Weekly Roundup

This week was weird. The anxiety level I started off with was enough to kill a small animal. The adrenaline and worry caused me to isolate myself for the better half of the week.

My friend Anissa had called to see how my new job had been going. She asked about my next assignment and I told her I hadn’t gotten one yet but that I had hoped it wouldn’t be in a while seeing how the summer semester is a bit slower than the fall and spring. That very next day, I was text by my photo editor for a shoot that evening. I of course cursed at the irony. I had to photograph the cast of a new play the university is showing. I had a bundle of nerves getting to the theatre. Fortunately the promo lady for the show was also taking photos and giving the cast directions on how to pose. It was the easiest shoot ever. I had worried myself for nothing!

I saw my therapist in mid week. I updated her on my increasing anxiety. She took note that my anxiety levels weren’t this high since my Starbucks job. But now I have jobs that are important to me and I told her I’m determined not to sabotage myself yet again. The therapist then introduced me to my new blue giraffe. I don’t know why but the blue giraffe was an epiphany. It was like the clouds had parted revealing the brilliance of the sun and the world. My blue giraffe gives me permission to be me and forgives my flaws by acknowledging that that‘s inherently what it is to be me. By the rest of the week my anxiety levels were near zero.

My 1st Published Photo

It's official! I'm a photographer. My debut was made on the July 1st edition of my school newspaper. My assignment was to take photographs of firework sales outside the city limits. Unfortunately it was so early on that no one was out buying fireworks so I had to take photos of the two employees working the stands.

The editors weren't too happy about me not getting shots of people buying fireworks but they understood why and still offered me an official position on the newspaper staff. I ofcourse said yes.

Ugh, and with my newbie status, it didn't help that my phone rang and echoed through the halls during the last meeting. What made it more embarrassing was that my ringtone is "Call on Me" by Eric Prydz. I'm gonna end up getting fired, lol, I can feel it!

Pink Elephants, Blue Giraffes

I'm often told not to think about it. That's no help to someone who's mind is racing at lightspeed every moment of everyday. In light of that, I was proposed with two scenerios.

Scenerio 1:

A man is walking with his elephant in a bazaar. The elephant's instinct is to grab the leaves from a nearby tree or to reach for anything nearby. The man gives the elephant a baton. The elphant no longer has the desire to reach for other things because it is perfectly happy with its baton.

Scenerio 2:

If you're told, "Don't think about the pink elephant, not matter what don't think about the pink elephant, just don't think about the PINK E L E P H A N T!" You're gonna think about the pink elephant...but if you think about a blue giraffe, then problem solved. My blue giraffe is a sum of everything I love to do such as photography and graphic design...if I feel anxious, I will not fuel it but starve it by spending time with my blue giraffe.

Conclusion:

Both scenerios are cheesy but the premise is thoughtful. I will carry my blue giraffe everywhere I go from now on.

"Fag"

I was in the elventh grade. This girl, Brenda, and I had gotten in an argument. She sat at her desk while I sat at mine on the other side of the room. I can't remember what we were fighting about. Probably about something only eleventh graders argue about. She became angry and yelled, "You fag!" A silence fell on the whole class proceeded by a thunderous laughter. I sat there, humiliated and defeated. The most hurtful part of it all was that the people whom I called friends sat there laughing loudly and unashamedly. Not one rose to my defense. I fought back the tears. To this day it remains a tough memory for me.

As the years progressed, I would gradually be told by my "friends," Nayeli, Juana, Stacy, Ricky, Marie, Antonio and Ralph, that they too were homosexuals (this is probably a major factor why I dislike closet cases). I was the first to come out. I did it because I hated pretending to be something I wasn't and I paid dearly for it. Looking back at that incident, I think if it weren't me it would have been someone else. If all of this is to build character and to become the proud, confident person I one day hope to be, then I will thank my higher power for bestowing such an honor onto me...and I will thank Brenda.

Weekly Roundup

My anxiety levels are through the roof! In addition to setting up appointments with my therapist, I've made one with a full blown psychiatrist to officially diagnose me with whatever I have.

I put myself on a spending freeze and broke it within the same day. I have tried again with better results.

Been busy with being my mom's taxi. Her car is a wreck. I don't really mind driving her around because she's done so much for me already, it's the least I can do.

My graphic design class is unmotivating. There's a lot of drawing in that class which I don't much care for. I have accepted the fact that I will probably not get an A in that class.

Turned in my first assignment as a photographer. This was the part in the week where my anxiety got the better of me. I was thinking that I just wasn't good enough. I was thinking that the employees and customers at the Fireworks stands were gonna shun me. Although there were no customers, the employees were pretty nice. When I turned in my photos to my photo editor, he seemed pleased.

I have another assigment. I have to take photos of a play tonight. I'm pretty nervous. I want to throw up.

Mom in a Car Accident

My mom was in a car accident the other day. I was in a meeting when my mom called. She made it sound like a fender bender but when I got there, it was much more serious than that. The car had crashed into her so hard from behind that she hit the car in front of her and that car hit the car in front of it. They were all stopped at a red light. The driver made things much more difficult by not cooperating with the police. He demanded to see a lawyer. The cops had no choice but to arrest him and take him away. My mom refused medical attention but I had to convince her to go to the ER because the impact had forced my moms head to shatter the window behind her in her truck. It turns out that the driver was drunk and on drugs at 12:30 in afternoon when he caused the accident.

I've been busy taking care of the insurance claims, doctor visits, and lawyer consultations. And on top off everything else, I still have two big projects to complete by the end of the weekend. I'm not sure if its all going to work out but I'm gonna remain optomistic. At least my mom is alive.

Weekly Roundup

I'm struggling in my graphic design class. The class involves much more drawing than I'm used to. I explained to the professor that I wasn't used to working with primitive tools. As a result, the entire class now has to keep a sketch book and draw in it everyday. This is just another example of me not knowing how to keep my mouth shut when necessary.

I'm excited about my photography job. My first assignment will be taking photos of people buying fireworks outside the city limits. We're running a story on how the city is cracking down on firework sales.

I'm going to AA meetings on a regular basis now. Before it would be a whenever I felt like it basis. Now I wake up at the butt crack of dawn and go to meetings on the days I don't have school. I enjoy going early cuz there's less people and a lot easier on my nerves. I make sure to talk everytime so that I can be less anxious with speaking in front of people.

My heart goes out to the protesters in Iran. I'm in awe of people who fight for what they believe in. There is no greater honor than to live according to your own spirit rather than to live in accordance to the masses.

New JOB

My photography professor sent out an email to his former students informing us about an open photographer position at the school newspaper. I hesitantly submitted my application along with some sample work. I had the interview today and was hired on the spot.

I get nervous when an opportunity presents itself to me like that. I keep thinking, "What about if they figure out that I'm a total fraud?" But then theres a small part of me that says I deserve it. Fraud or not, I'm gonna do my best. Its strange how not so long ago I went from unemployed to a paid internship to an offical photographer. Wait a minute...what's this? Its an odd sensation. I think I'm happy. How the hell did that happen?

Weekly Roundup

I got a new pair of glasses. They were quite expensive. I went from one side of town to another looking for the perfect fit. My head doesn't support glasses well so I have to get them just right and the cheaper ones were much unflattering on me. These new glasses are the first pair ever that I'm really happy with. I feel the need to reinvent myself somehow and the glasses are a good way to start I suppose.

I had a full blown panic attack this past Saturday. I hope to do a video blog this week detailing the account.

Ugh. I bought new clothes. Express sent me a $30.00 off coupon and I couldn't resist. Those tricky bastards made it so that I would need to spend $75 but nothing in that store amounts to exaclty that amount. I was like fifty cents off which meant I had to buy an entirely new item resulting in me buying another item for 50% off. I went way over my budget and it felt good. I don't know what it is that I can't stop spending lately. I think it soothes my anxiety but if continue I'll go broke. I may be homeless but at least I got a nice shirt on.

I started my Graphic Design 2 class. It sucks! It has nothing to do with work on the computer. It's all manual labor. I had to do a project which involved construction paper, a xacto knife, rubber cement, and a pencil of all things. I am not used to working with primitive tools! That's right folks, I'm doing graphic design for cavemen. The professor was astounded with me when I asked how to cut a perfect square out of an illustration board. I suspect I won't be getting a good grade this semester.

Loving Letterman

I love David Letterman! I love his dry humor. I love how he doesn't kiss anyones ass, unlike all other late night talk show hosts. Letterman doesn't care about celebrity. When I was in high school my final project for my AP English class was the top 10 things that would get you kicked out of the Canterbury Pilgrimage (referencing Chaucer's Canterbury Tales). In freshman year, I wrote a paper on Letterman and how he's an American hero. I got a C but bitched enough that the professor raised it to a B.

Long Letterman and celebrity disputes include Madonna, McCain, Oprah, and now Sarah Palin. But Palin has taken it to a whole different level calling Letterman a child rapist. If anyone watched the show, he absolutely did nothing of the sort. In response Letterman clarified the jokes but still maintained that Palin looked liked an airline slut...hahaha. But leave it to Palin's tactless effort for publicity to resort to shameless name calling. Kinda like how I would be referred to as a liberal socialist attacking the rights of Joe Six Pack. Lame.

Weekly Roundup

The gardner from next door was using a weed whacker and shot a rock right at my window causing it to shatter as I was reversing. I know he saw but he pretendended not to notice. I had to stop, get out of the car, and tell him what he just finished doing. Knowing that my spanish wouldn't get me far in resolving the situation, I had to involve my mother so she could mediate the whole thing. The gardner guy had the nerve to try to make it my fault by saying that I had made it look like I was going on the other side of the street when I really wasn't. He agreed to pay for half of the cost. I know he is at fault with his negligence but I'm not gonna spend anymore time than I have to on the issue. I don't need my anxiety issues being amplyfied by this stupid incident.

My school loan came through. It should hold me over till I start the internship next month.

I had lunch with my former bosses (they're the ones who fired me because my drug use had gotten so out of hand back in 2007). My ex bosses are two partners who gave me a car, made sure I was well off financially, and paid for two outpatient rehabs. I did my Step 9 with them and sincerely apologized for all of the rotten things I had done to them. They accepted my apology and said it was all in the past. I was touched. When you hangout with junkies, hurtful boyfriends who use your addiction against you, and alcoholics for years straight, you forget that there's good honest people out there.

I bought a new Nikon lense!

I'm staying home a lot more. I know I'm isolating myself from the world but I need time to sort my billion thoughts that fire through my head at all times. I like to stay home and work on art. Art is the only thing that lets my mind zero in on a specific task and serves as an escape from daily life. I worked on some self portraits with my new lense and some futuristic shades I found at a dive store. I also worked on a revision on a mini book from a photo shoot I did in a school fashion show. They can be seen on both of my deviantART accounts.

Finished watching Rome Season 2; twas scandaliciously delightful.

I Can Feel it Coming Back Again

The anxiety is slowly creeping back. The other day my mind was so preoccupied that I locked myself out of the house. Stupid, I know. I had to take the bus to the library and hangout there till my mom was able to pick me up. Yesturday, at Wal-Mart, all the people there got me claustrophobic and I rushed out of there like a monkey at a Britney Spears concert. I'm getting myself in a panic about the internship next month. I'm thinking of ways of how to get out of it. I've been isolating myself more and more.

I heard a saying the other day that rang true to me, that which you avoid, controls you. Why am I so afraid? Is it all in my head? Is it the 10 years of drinking and drugging that damaged my neurotransmitters that I can function properly? Is it that I have no coping skills because of my self medication? I don't know. All I know is that I am my biggest judge. This needs to change. So here's a list to help me control that inner judge:

1. I will always say the wrong thing at the exact wrong time.
2. I will always be accident prone.
3. I will never be a dynamic public speaker or conversationalist.
4. I will never hold myself responsible for other people's opinions.

Happy B-Day Oldsporty!

Today is Oldsports birthday. To him and his posterity I wish him a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I now he's going through his own challenges but I know he will overcome all obstacles in his way.

Weekly Roundup

Applied for a photographer position for the school newspaper. Also applied for a media scholarship. I had to provide five example of my graphic design work. I gave them work I had posted on deviant art.

My friend who had discovered my deviant art account is still my friend. LOL...not that I had expected him not to. It feels good that my friends will always be my friends no matter how many ways I find to make an ass out of myself.

I went to a rather big AA meeting last Saturday and I was called upon to speak. My nerves jumped to full force. I couldn't find the courage to look at anyone as I spoke. I was shaking. I had to pause in the middle of my speech to calm myself down. My cracked voice could probably be heard from miles away. But hey, at least I spoke. The subject was about how alcoholics always rationalize their drinking by telling themeselves that they can quit drinking on thier own terms. I spoke about how I had suffered countless relapses because I refused to believe I couldn't do it alone and that the 12 steps were for weak minded people. It wasn't until I gave on those ideas that I was able to enter a life of sobriety.

I went to a gay church yesturday. A friend had invited me. I accepted the invite because I mostly like to stay at home where it's nice and safe and where I don't have to be social whatsoever. Not being social I know only increases my anxieties in the real world. I want to better myself, so I went, and boy was it difficult. I lack the social graces that most people have. My mind runs at 100 miles per second. So many thoughts run through my head at the same time, it's difficult for me to form a complete sentence. To make matters worse, a person who I find very unsavory was in attendance. And to make matters much more worse, there was a potluck at the end. So I had to double the time trying to be cordial and social. Although I know I wasn't as social as the people around me, I did my best.

OOOpps!!!

A recent turn of events of great magnitude has torn through the very fabric of the space/time continuum. Oldsport found my not so family oriented DeviantArt account. This lead to a journal entry on the D.A. account and it has opened an entire discussion on normative social constructs in society today.
You can view the journal posting at http://matrick001.deviantart.com/journal/24961151/#comments.

Me and my pal on D.A., XandarX2, have been duking it out on my journal comments page on the topic of closet cases. It starts off like this:

XandarX2 wrote:
No matter where you are on the world wide web, you are bound to be found out by friends or family. In some cases part of who you want to be, shows up on the internet, and then is found out by people that you have hidden this part of you from. I know it prolly took the breath right out of you when you were told about being found by your friend.

I agree with all you say. I think our society wants to find out how the homosexual world ticks. But it sure is crazy that they have to inspect and dissect that lifestyle. What gets me is it really isn't anyone's business. Personally, coming out shouldn't even be an issue. Who cares what you do in your own home? No one should. But it seems that when a person is asked if they are Gay, the usual response is "Ewwww!" As if it the worse thing a person can do, is to love another person. That is the bottom line... Love.

I don't care to know if Cooper does or doesn't have a bf, or even wants to come out and say so. It's his life... and we would all be better to leave things like this alone... It is not like the gay community is sleeping in the heterosexual's bed.

I know it will be tough decisions for you down the road, but just remember, you are NOT required to tell anyone that you are gay or not. It is not a law, and it should not reflect on anything you do out in society. If people minded their own affairs, they wouldn't have time worrying about "who's sleepin with whom."

*matrick001 wrote:
Haha. It did take the breath right under me. I was my friend's first encounter with a homosexual ever. In fact, he stopped talking in the summer of '97 which was when he found out. Fortunately for us, we had classes together the following fall and he was able to see I was the same guy he had known in high school.

I wish we lived in a world where homosexuality wasn't an issue...where everyone knew that being gay was by no means a choice but a trait like the color of our eyes. Unfortunately, we live in a world where people are stigmatized for not believing in nuclear families. Society deems that a man + woman + children = guranteed happiness. We all know that equation is wrong in so many ways.

Who cares if Anderson Cooper has a bf or not? I do. The more of us who keep quiet the more we uphold the vary constraints that prevent us from having equal rights. The more we try to be "normal" and try not to rock the boat so that the majority will merely tolerate us is a sad existence. It is one that I subscribed to for far too long. Homosexuals should never be tolerated, they should be accepted.

Friendly Fire Pt. 2

This is a video to see how my friends react to the news that I have a video blog. I was expecting a negative reaction but it was quite the opposite.

Weekly Roundup

My meds were increased by 25mg. My never ending battle with panic attacks still continues. I'm sure everyone is getting sick of hearing about it as much as I am.

I beat Final Fantasy IV on the Nintendo DS. Now what am I supposed to do with my lazy time?

I'm quite nervous about my financial situation. I may not be able to afford going to school over the summer. I'm looking into student loans and scholarships.


I got my offical grades in for this past semester. They are:

Graphic Design I (A)
Photography (A)
Gender in Comm. (A)
From Faith to Reason (B)

*The From Faith to Reason grade is aggravating. It was an online class and it was such a mess. The teacher was in a whole different time zone. I had accidentally turned in my midterm late. Also, one of my group members failed to turn in an assignment. The professor was completely unhepful when emailed a question. Her only response was to check the syllubus. All of these things resulted in me getting a B although this was the class I gave the most attention to and had the most stress over. A novel had to be read and an essay turned in every week! Never again will I take an online class.

NEW JOB!

I landed a paid internship at my university. I was called for three interviews. The first interview was with a group of students competing for the same job, it was terrifying. The second was with three interviewers and I completely bombed it because I was asked about the job position and new nothing about it. The last was with one interviewer and I was so nervous that I couldn't come up with a complete sentence practically. Despite all that, I still got hired! I'm excited.

I always get nervous when a door opens. I hope I do well. Today I had to go to a mandatory meeting at the Mexican Consolate. I tried to be as social as I could but the judge inside of me was telling me that I didn't deserve this position. But I hope he shuts up soon because he's getting awfully boring.

Here's my new job description:
1. Recruit volunteer members
2. Organize all programs and events
3. Serve as the lead for major campus events
4. Pland and run all meetings
5. Serve on committees
6. Create and maintain accurate and appropriate files for each event.
7. Produce, execute, and maintain contracts with vendors, entertainment, etc.
8. Promote and market off campus
9. Development of an action plan for your specific area.
10. Attend staff meetings, intern traininigs, and staff retreats
11. Other duties assigned.

Fox Noise

I'm annoyed with Fox News. Days leading to Obama's speech at Notre Dame, the "conservative" news channel was predicting pending doom for the President at the commencement ceromonies of the Roman Catholic School.

They were interviewing students who were against abortion, they were taking polls, and they had "experts" on the issue giving their two cents on the issue. What they didn't expect was how eloquent Obama's speech was.

A guy started to scream out "Abortion is murder! Stop killing children!" right in the middle of Obama's speech, but the Audience drowned his voice out by chanting, "We are ND! We are ND! AUDIENCE: Yes, we can! Yes, we can!" This warmed my little heart.

By the time the whole thing was over, Fox went back to attacking Nancy Pelosi and very little was said about the speech. For a while there, I actually thought that a simple grad speech was an issue but it really wasn't. I think its funny how Fox made this huge effort to make Obama look bad and it backfired in their face.

Friendly Fire

I don't know anyone who has a blog let alone a video blog in my circle of friends. I am still getting used to the whole idea of having a blog. This is way out of character for me. I think its a good thing to put myself out there like that. Maybe if I make an ass out of myself in front of the camera, then I won't be so worried about what people think of me in real life. But I still want to know what people think about me having a blog. I called my close friend, Anissa, to see what she thinks about this. The outcome was a lot more positive than what I had thought.

EEEEeee New PSB Video

I didn't know they were gonna release it so soon. It was a happy little surprise when I went to their website. 'Did you see me coming' is a campy song but its reminiscent of their 'Very' album which was their best.

The Way it Used to be

One of my favorite songs from the Pet Shop Boys new album is a song called, "The way it used to be." I like it because it tells of ex-lovers coming of age and realizing that not even time has changed their feelings. Neil Tennant has some strong vocals in the track. Upon listening to it over and over, I had an idea to emphasize that voice in a remix. I used Adobe Soundbooth to duplicate the vocals into one song. I never used soundbooth before so this remix is a rough edit. Overall, it's how I envisioned it in my head. It kept me busy for three days straight.

Star Trek Review

Star Trek was a good movie...just not a good Star Trek movie. It had lot's of action and lot's of comedic relief. It had some amazing scenes with the original Spock. The new McCoy is spot on with the original. The elavator scene with Spock and Uhura was touching. However, it fell short of a story that Star Trek is known for.

The biggest issue is that this movie is not a prequel but an alternate universe. I acknowledge that alternate universes are inherently Star Trek but this shamelessly eradicates the known future with Capt. Picard, Sisko, and Janeway. I mean, what about if Star Wars had done this with its prequels? Anakin Skywalker's story would make no sense by the time Luke Skywalker came into the picture. The timeline was ignored and it's all the worse for it.

Another issue is Nero. He was supposed to be the greatest villain in Star Trek since Khan. Not so. He is a mere footnote in the movie. He's thrown back in time and angry at Kirk and Spock for Romulus being destroyed. And that's it. Very little of Nero's actions are explained. He's just an angry guy trying to blow up planets. Nero is one of the weakest villains in Star Trek. Shinzon is better.

It is evident that J.J. Abrams managed to come up with a script that would make Star Trek a cash cow for him by making it suitable only to pop culture. Star Trek is intelligent. It is thought provoking. No thoughts are provoked in this movie especially when it comes to the ill conceived notion of red matter. It seems to me that if Abrams didn't want to make a Star Trek movie then he should have stuck with something else instead.

I give it five question marks! ?????

Anxiety Update

Overview

My Aunt had a birthday this past weekend. All sorts of relatives were in from out of town. The condition I was in over the weekend prohibited me from attending any family functions. This was a good thing. I don't really like my family. I grew up being the black sheep. My family loves football, something I don't much care for. I don't speak Spanish well. And they always have a problem with the way I dressed or styled my hair or anything that didn't meet their standards. I was always the bearer of their spiteful comments. This is not done by all family members, but still, why didn't anyone defend me? I remember asking my mom when I was a little why my family didn't like me, her response was that it was all in my head.

Part of living with my increasing panic attacks is knowing my limitations. This, I just learned. My eternal judge, me, felt like if something gave me anxiety it was best to confront it and not be weak. This only increased my misery. Now I realize, that I'm in a phase right now. My coping skills are non-existent due to my past. I'm determined not to let whatever is happening to me control the rest of my life. I'm taking steps to fix me but it won't be overnight, and for now, I have to listen to myself and determine what I can do and what I cannot do.

I got an A for my Pet Shop Boys Indesign magazine. The professor even wrote a note saying it was superior work. I guess its because the assignment called for six pages; I did 18. It's funny how I don't believe I'm deserving of that grade in spite of the countless hours I put in it. Now I have the final project to worry about. I have to develop a website using Indesign and Flash. On top of that, I have tons of reading to do for my other classes. Furthermore, final exams are not far away. These next two weeks are gonna be brutal.

Doc Visit

I went to the doctor this morning. My anxiety pills got bumped up by 50mg. I'm not too sure what 50mg is supposed to do. Let's hope it works.

I Don't Know What you Want but I can't Give it Anymore

I've gotten a couple of posts on my deviant art page about my InDesign project of the Pet Shop Boys. There's a page in there where the boys look gothic but with spikey yellowish/orange hair and amazing suits. The magazine looks better as an SWF but I don't know how to post such things on the internet. As soon as I figure it out I'll be posting it on here. But I wanted to show the video of the page I was referring to cuz it's my favorite look by them.

PSB's New Album

I just got in 'Yes' the other day. I've read in reviews that this album is a wonderful return to form by the Pet Shop Boys. Having listened to it...that's all lies! Holy mother. There's no usual form here. It's an entirely different album. Its more electronic. It has an extravagant pop feel to it but with the always intelligent lyrics that only PSB can come up with. It's revolutionary for PSB in that all the songs have radically different beats in them. It's like each song is 3 tracks in one. Just when you think you have the song figured out (and you usually can with their previous albums), it suddenly takes you through a loop. PSB had never "lost it" in terms of their music but this album reifies how they can completely transform themselves while still maintaining the integrity of PSB. The song 'Pandemonium' is easily one of their best in their 25+ history. I give it FIVE stars!

A N X I E T Y

Why am I doing this?

I'm not the kind of person to brag or go on and on about myself. I'm usually quite reserved. However, some bad things have started to happen. The big one is that I'm getting severe anxiety attacks. It affects me on a daily basis. I need to fix myself somehow. One possible solution is to be open. I suppress a lot. This is an experiment to be uninhibited. I don't do this because I think people are actually interested...its more for me.